“So you stole my world. Now I am just a phony. Remembering that girl. Leaves me down and lonely. Send it a letter. Make yourself feel better. It’s not so bad, you’re only the best I have ever had. It might take some time to patch me up inside. But I can’t take it, so I run away and hide. I might find in time you were always right. So you sailed away until a gray sky morning. Now I am here to stay, …could it be I am haunted!? It’s just not so bad.”
For those of you who know Tad and me well, you know how much we love Gary Allen. He is a country rocker, who does what he wants and doesn’t care what anyone thinks. His concerts are extremely intimate and amazing, as he pours his heart out and rocks all in one moment in time. I have had many amazing nights with Gary. One night I was pregnant with Sawyer, swaying and feeling sawyer moving like crazy. Tad and I were so happy that Sawyer could hear him rock before he was born as it will be years before he can go to a concert. Another memory is a night of a few too many beers with Elise and Tad. Tad was the driver and he watched Elise and I dance to every note and swing into each other as we sang along from the front row. It was so much fun….fun… it just isn’t a good enough of a word, but the next morning there were two mommies both with hang overs..LOL. That was a first and last, but so worth the memory. (Elise I love and miss you)
So above are the lyrics to the song “Best I ever had”, which Gary wrote after his wife took her life. We don’t know why people do the things they do, but in trying to understand we must have empathy and know that everyone is doing their best. Gary wrote in an intimate letter to his fans about his wife and family. She apparently had vicious migraines and nothing alternative or allopathic helped. It lead to a deep depression and then she took her life when he was just rooms away. I can’t imagine going through something like that on either side. So I just listen to his words, as music is meant to inspire us or guide us, that is what he has done.
It is is a difficult time to process something after it is over or when you are in the final stages. The haunting fear that will never go away…the what if. Unpacking Christmas ornaments, all I could think of was “what if” I wasn’t there. Tad and Sawyer would have been opening ornaments from my childhood, from our wedding, first home….and how would they have felt. So as I am processing how to shed this fear and tackle yet another hurdle to continue on a path of gratitude, I look to others who have done what I think the impossible. Learning from Gary’s music and many others has given me direction when I have felt lost.
I chose these song lyrics to share because Tad is the best I have ever had. He has been the most amazing husband anyone could ever ask. He has held my hair when I puked….oops I mean rubbed my head bc I didn’t have hair 🙂 The night of the transfusion he held my hand and said” this is the beginning of our new life. Just think how lucky you are that your brother saved your life.” There will never be words for that, but it is a miracle and even though Shad and I are not super close, the love I have in my heart for him is beyond explanation. I will never truly be able to explain the gratitude and gift which makes this Christmas so much more special this year.
Back to my best, my best husband, my best friend, my best lover, he never wavered. The first night we got the news we cried together, but after that something shifted inside him, he just knew I was going to make it. When I wavered and spent a night in a place of doubt, his smile and gentle touch made me believe too. He shared hard words when I needed to hear them, and took significants amount of stress off my shoulders for all the hats he wore during this time. A thank you will never be enough, but a lifetime of love may just crack the surface! I LOVE YOU TAD!
Which leads us to the present, probably due to the holidays, there have been some difficult days. I want my life back and I have realized that it will never be what it was….it is and will continue to be so much better. This gift, the loveolution, has taught me to love myself. Tad, my family and friends circled me to help me heal in so many ways. Some were extremely unexpected and some were shocking. People deal with illness in different ways and some just can’t handle it at all. But I have learned that everyone does the best they can and that must be respected. However, when you look back the perfect people, divinely supported all of us.
As I am learning to celebrate my health and bask in the gratitude of new life, I have to remember that I am also doing the best that I can after such a crazy year. “it may take some time to patch me up inside.” because fear is something along with your ego that doesn’t want to go away. So I have worked hard to find ways, many ways to let truth and spirit be a constant in my life. I am a very different person now and I look forward to the many blessings that happen every day. There is always validation to my healing and life. As we were unpacking our ornaments and I shared I was having a tough time and working so hard to choke down tears. I sat down for a moment to look at our work. Sawyer’s ornaments were all in one section of the tree….front and center about 3 feet high. I took a few breaths and looked down on the floor to see a penny sitting in the middle of the floor….when I am positive it was not there before. I have a thing with pennies and feathers and for me they are a sign that life is beautiful.
Gary has a new single out called Every Storm (runs out of rain), Although the rain was magical, I have had moments when I have been pushed around too much. This storm needs to move out to sea or up to the heavens, so it may return as Love and continued blessings that set me free.
Love to you all!