Another Blood Draw

Today was a great day, as my healing continues physically, emotionally, and grows spiritually all in a positive direction.  I can’t even begin to share all of the stories and experiences that Dana Farber has brought to my journey over the past year plus, but I will share some of the things that has made this all real.  Making this the lesson of a lifetime, for which I am grateful and have truly surrendered.

The weekend before any appointment is often met with intruding thoughts and some fear.  This weekend was definitely better because I actually slept on Sunday night and when I woke up at 4:30 to get dressed to go to Dana Farber, I didn’t have a pit in my stomach.  I just knew it was all going to be ok, I really felt it deep in my gut, my soul telling me it is all ok….we did it!

My mom took me this morning through a weird number of events because Tad is usually Monday morning appointment guy. It is the same each time- I walk in to the 2nd floor, gIve blood, get results, ask a few questions and walk out with a smile.  For the situation that many patients find themselves in, it is surprisingly a very pleasant place to be.

Anyway, my mom and I enjoyed the ride, talking about the weekend and trying to come up with a patent that will get us on the shark tank.  At one point in our conversation we silenced for a few minutes and my thoughts traveled to how inspired I am by her drive literally and figuratively.   She gets up everyday at the crack of dawn to go to work and works with a wonderful group who supported her so much during this past year.  For all of you who supported my mom in whatever way….I thank you.  I am in awe by the fact that all year-long her and Tad worked while they took care of me.  They either stayed with me all night, even when it was against the rules.  The nurses always turned the other way as long as I was ok.  Or they stayed at the Marriot down the street.   It was one or the other for the entire 5 weeks that I was in the hospital for the transplant.  Not to forget that they had to wear a mask and gloves the entire time in my room.

There were many great memories, one of the best I would have to say is the night of the transfusion.  They both sat next to me, one on each side, as we watched the blessed cells enter my body, praying for success and quick healing.  My mother is like Wonder Woman and if they still made underoos that would be a definite gift this year.  But as we were driving, I thought yes this has been quite the year.

I believe that this experience was equally as challenging for Tad and my mom/Dave.  It was an experience that individually showed our strength, courage, and fearless faith.  In addition, what it brings when we all come together….bottom line LOVE!  When I would begin to have doubts, I would just think of my mind as a black board.  I would write fearless faith, fearless faith and keep going till the thought was so small that it was laughable.

There were many moments of extreme weakness.   A few times, at my worst, I would look at my mom and ask her if I was going to make it?  She would ALWAYS look me in the eyes and tell me why I was going to “make it”.  First, she would tell me why on a physical level and then she would share her strong faith, a dream….something that was affirming my healing.  It was always what I needed.

I have had amazing support from start to finish, there are sooo many to include.  Especially, my UJ (Uncle Johnny)  drove me to one of the most difficult appointments of all.  I had to read aloud the consent for Dr. Soiffer, as it is their policy for the bone marrow transplant.  Big Crocodile tears slowly slid down my face as I choked through all the potentials.  All the while I am thinking, why am I reading this….why is he making me read this.  UJ clasped his hands over mine and gave a good shake, like we were on the basketball court and then he told me a secret.  I will take this to my grave, but he shared something very personal to make me feel better.  It didn’t make me feel better, but what it did was confirm the fact that he loves me so much to trust me with that secret. It meant a lot!!

That was a hard day, but there were many hilarious days.  Such as Colleen and Wendy turning my hospital room into a Spa.  All the nurses were lining up to get their Reflexology.  There were some days that were just marked with such heart that I don’t even have the best words to support what an amazing day it resembled.

One night my phone rang and it was a very special group of Yogi’s.  It was difficult when I left bc I didn’t get to say goodbye to anyone except for 2 🙂   It was heartbreaking, but there was no choice.  After a week of shock, Anna pulled together a healing circle I will call it.  She put it together in a week and so many women and men that I have practiced and taught yoga showed up to support me from afar.  Wow!!! the support I got from the studio alone was amazing.   Cards, packages, books, a CD sang by a very special person, showed up daily,  but one day a special gift was the box of inspiration.  That night they all wrote down inspiring thoughts and words of wisdom to get through this….it meant so much.  I still read those notes and again am in awe by the love that surrounds us all.

It always seemed like the perfect person called with the perfect words when I was at Dana Farber,whether I was there for a stay or just an appointment. I know coincidence is not real, divine intervention however is a perfect plan from Gods mouth to our journey.

Back to my drive into the city.  We get to DF, go straight to the “blood floor” and I was called right away.  I see a student and just laughed… we all have to learn, but after 2 hours of stabbing pains trying to get a pickline in months ago..I am over it.  She was extremely nice as most of them are and she asked if she could work on me.  I smiled and said “don’t miss”….”no pressure”.  I was kidding, but she did miss, but I am tough and it wasn’t that big of a deal.  After only 9 vials of blood I met back up with mom and we headed to floor 8.  My appointment was at 7:30 and I knew it was going to be an interesting one.  I had a lot of questions and Dr. Soiffer is old school.  He is an AMAZING doctor, but is just old school.  So when I am questioning vaccines which they want to do, he doesn’t like it.

After a full once over  and a thumbs up, I got out my list of questions.  I haven’t had a cycle since the first day I entered Dana Farber.  They gave me a shot, I had no idea what it was, but Lupron is the name and it puts you into temporary menopause.  So I asked Dr. Soiffer if my eggs were still good so we could do surrogacy….today was a little sad.  There is a small chance, but unfortunately the treatment damages too much.  I fought back tears and as soon as I looked at my mom she was already saying, “there is a baby in this world that needs you and Tad to be her or his parents, when the time is right it will happen.”  Tad had a dream that we had a baby girl named Ella.  Maybe that was her letting us know she is waiting till the right time, who knows.  But the “coincidence that my mom just happen to be the one to take me today, was again a part of the divine plan.  I will never turn from this truth as the more I listen, trust, and allow things to be easy… is a beautiful life.

I have a wonderful son, who was a miracle from the start, an amazing husband and family.  I am grateful.  I have endless love circling me as I circle you.  Today, I shed a few tears and then took a deep breath connecting to my soul knowing that whatever is meant to be will be.  That just like my Uncle’s secret is one that I will never forget, I will continue to engrave the divine plan that is whispered one day at a time.

Much love to you all!

Holly P

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