Month: November 2012

Rewind

I hope you all had an amazing Thanksgiving Day retreat.  A time to enjoy family and in addition, take some time for self-reflection for the many blessings that we all have in our lives.  Including friends,children, opening doors, guidance, and new adventures.

We were blessed to have Tad’s father in town from Fargo and it was just an amazing visit.  He has such a great perspective on life and we enjoyed our long hike through the woods, where we found a rock filled with crystal quartz, along with walking sticks, and other stones. (We chiseled a lot of pieces so if anyone wants some for meditation or anything please let me know)

On Thanksgiving we sat down for our dinner and all held hands to give thanks for the exciting things that are happening in our family.  At this time, I couldn’t help but feel the quiver in my throat as last year Turkey Day was spent in the hospital eating Sawyer’s left overs which left Tad a bit bummed…..he really wanted Sawyer’s Turkey. LOL  But seriously, it could not have been so extremely opposite.  When I could no longer speak the words to bless our food, my Dad stood up and finished the blessing in a very special way.  His words rang through me as if he was reading my mind and he continued to express joy for this Thanksgiving.  I know what a challenging this year was for him too and through it all he never waivered….maybe just annoyed, but that is our thing for those who know us!   We all express ourselves differently, this act of love was empowering and I will never forget it.  He has made this past year easier in many ways and has formed a bond with Sawyer that is very special to both of them.

There are so many things that will forever be marked in my DNA.  Much like New Year, Thanksgiving is an extra special time to be thankful, but everyday we have lots to be thankful for in our lives.  If we take time each day to show gratitude and thanks it grows the love in our hearts and softens the ego that continues to create the story of suffering.   I ,personally, have so much to be thankful for this year, more then ever.  One thing I am especially grateful for is my new 0 to 10 scale.  Not much makes a 10 anymore unless it is something very exciting, which is just perfect.

With so much looking back in such a short couple of days, there is no way an experience like this doesn’t change a person and those that supported closely.  We all learned together through the tears, laughs, and just complete amazement.  Sometimes it may seem as if it is dramatic when I talk about lessons learned, but there is no drama, not even close.  If anything I have learned that life continually serves us choices to evolve and how we listen to this guidance, trying to decipher its code can be difficult.  But we must unload the unnecessary and make our life a state of beautiful balance, which is living.  It can be shocking when you dig to the bottom of the pile expecting to find dirt, however, what you come up with is ideas or lessons, realizing the digging is the gift.

The past weeks have been filled with all kinds of crazy.  I got certified in Full Body Reflexology (this includes foot reflexology, lymphatic drainage, compression and trigger points, lastly body reflexology) and I am very excited to begin helping people heal themselves.  It was one of the healing modalities that really worked for me during my treatment and the more I research it I feel like it is a stone uncovered, waiting to help so many people.  Thanks Colleen for your treatments which began my healing.   Also, I have been in negotiations with West Bow Press regarding writing and sharing this story.  It will be a fiction, based on a true story.  I am really excited at the potential opportunity, however, very surprised just how emotional the beginning of this process has been.

I have told them the story and they have read the blog.  They advised me just to begin writing right from the beginning and believe I have a very inspiring story to tell.  I was again, surprised how emotional some aspects of this journey overwhelmed me as if I didn’t know it happened.  But really many of the details went into remission along with the Loveolution, so I had to do some digging.  Again, finding the lessons and the gift.

My heart feels soft as I am molding myself with each breath that was taken over the past year and a half.  There have been many laughs, extreme laughs, tears, heartbreak, fear, and confusion.  However, all of these and many more have opened my heart in a way I didn’t know possible.  I am still learning how to use the tools to live a heartfelt, honest, self-less, and loving journey.

I am excited to share this story as much of it I did not write in the blog.  A lot of it was very personal and at the time I was trying to figure it out myself.  The way the story flows together is just one amazing feat after another, as if someone lined up all the details in a divine manner and said go.  I ask for your prayers and love as I begin writing this story.  It will definitely cover a lot more material that ties all the blogs together.  Maybe it will make a lot more sense with the large gaps in time when I couldn’t write.  In addition, all the mini-miracles that I experienced along the way will be quite surprising.

While writing this story, I also hope to start the beginning stages of organizing a Foundation to help those adults that are trying to get back on their feet after a serious illness.  If you are interested in helping or know anyone who is please send your information.  I look forward to this exciting time and sharing the book with you.  It is not so much about the Loveolution, but the journey that brings me fresh in life today!

I love you and look forward to sharing the holidays with many of you!!

Many blessings,

Holly

Another Blood Draw

Today was a great day, as my healing continues physically, emotionally, and grows spiritually all in a positive direction.  I can’t even begin to share all of the stories and experiences that Dana Farber has brought to my journey over the past year plus, but I will share some of the things that has made this all real.  Making this the lesson of a lifetime, for which I am grateful and have truly surrendered.

The weekend before any appointment is often met with intruding thoughts and some fear.  This weekend was definitely better because I actually slept on Sunday night and when I woke up at 4:30 to get dressed to go to Dana Farber, I didn’t have a pit in my stomach.  I just knew it was all going to be ok, I really felt it deep in my gut, my soul telling me it is all ok….we did it!

My mom took me this morning through a weird number of events because Tad is usually Monday morning appointment guy. It is the same each time- I walk in to the 2nd floor, gIve blood, get results, ask a few questions and walk out with a smile.  For the situation that many patients find themselves in, it is surprisingly a very pleasant place to be.

Anyway, my mom and I enjoyed the ride, talking about the weekend and trying to come up with a patent that will get us on the shark tank.  At one point in our conversation we silenced for a few minutes and my thoughts traveled to how inspired I am by her drive literally and figuratively.   She gets up everyday at the crack of dawn to go to work and works with a wonderful group who supported her so much during this past year.  For all of you who supported my mom in whatever way….I thank you.  I am in awe by the fact that all year-long her and Tad worked while they took care of me.  They either stayed with me all night, even when it was against the rules.  The nurses always turned the other way as long as I was ok.  Or they stayed at the Marriot down the street.   It was one or the other for the entire 5 weeks that I was in the hospital for the transplant.  Not to forget that they had to wear a mask and gloves the entire time in my room.

There were many great memories, one of the best I would have to say is the night of the transfusion.  They both sat next to me, one on each side, as we watched the blessed cells enter my body, praying for success and quick healing.  My mother is like Wonder Woman and if they still made underoos that would be a definite gift this year.  But as we were driving, I thought yes this has been quite the year.

I believe that this experience was equally as challenging for Tad and my mom/Dave.  It was an experience that individually showed our strength, courage, and fearless faith.  In addition, what it brings when we all come together….bottom line LOVE!  When I would begin to have doubts, I would just think of my mind as a black board.  I would write fearless faith, fearless faith and keep going till the thought was so small that it was laughable.

There were many moments of extreme weakness.   A few times, at my worst, I would look at my mom and ask her if I was going to make it?  She would ALWAYS look me in the eyes and tell me why I was going to “make it”.  First, she would tell me why on a physical level and then she would share her strong faith, a dream….something that was affirming my healing.  It was always what I needed.

I have had amazing support from start to finish, there are sooo many to include.  Especially, my UJ (Uncle Johnny)  drove me to one of the most difficult appointments of all.  I had to read aloud the consent for Dr. Soiffer, as it is their policy for the bone marrow transplant.  Big Crocodile tears slowly slid down my face as I choked through all the potentials.  All the while I am thinking, why am I reading this….why is he making me read this.  UJ clasped his hands over mine and gave a good shake, like we were on the basketball court and then he told me a secret.  I will take this to my grave, but he shared something very personal to make me feel better.  It didn’t make me feel better, but what it did was confirm the fact that he loves me so much to trust me with that secret. It meant a lot!!

That was a hard day, but there were many hilarious days.  Such as Colleen and Wendy turning my hospital room into a Spa.  All the nurses were lining up to get their Reflexology.  There were some days that were just marked with such heart that I don’t even have the best words to support what an amazing day it resembled.

One night my phone rang and it was a very special group of Yogi’s.  It was difficult when I left bc I didn’t get to say goodbye to anyone except for 2 🙂   It was heartbreaking, but there was no choice.  After a week of shock, Anna pulled together a healing circle I will call it.  She put it together in a week and so many women and men that I have practiced and taught yoga showed up to support me from afar.  Wow!!! the support I got from the studio alone was amazing.   Cards, packages, books, a CD sang by a very special person, showed up daily,  but one day a special gift was the box of inspiration.  That night they all wrote down inspiring thoughts and words of wisdom to get through this….it meant so much.  I still read those notes and again am in awe by the love that surrounds us all.

It always seemed like the perfect person called with the perfect words when I was at Dana Farber,whether I was there for a stay or just an appointment. I know coincidence is not real, divine intervention however is a perfect plan from Gods mouth to our journey.

Back to my drive into the city.  We get to DF, go straight to the “blood floor” and I was called right away.  I see a student and just laughed… we all have to learn, but after 2 hours of stabbing pains trying to get a pickline in months ago..I am over it.  She was extremely nice as most of them are and she asked if she could work on me.  I smiled and said “don’t miss”….”no pressure”.  I was kidding, but she did miss, but I am tough and it wasn’t that big of a deal.  After only 9 vials of blood I met back up with mom and we headed to floor 8.  My appointment was at 7:30 and I knew it was going to be an interesting one.  I had a lot of questions and Dr. Soiffer is old school.  He is an AMAZING doctor, but is just old school.  So when I am questioning vaccines which they want to do, he doesn’t like it.

After a full once over  and a thumbs up, I got out my list of questions.  I haven’t had a cycle since the first day I entered Dana Farber.  They gave me a shot, I had no idea what it was, but Lupron is the name and it puts you into temporary menopause.  So I asked Dr. Soiffer if my eggs were still good so we could do surrogacy….today was a little sad.  There is a small chance, but unfortunately the treatment damages too much.  I fought back tears and as soon as I looked at my mom she was already saying, “there is a baby in this world that needs you and Tad to be her or his parents, when the time is right it will happen.”  Tad had a dream that we had a baby girl named Ella.  Maybe that was her letting us know she is waiting till the right time, who knows.  But the “coincidence that my mom just happen to be the one to take me today, was again a part of the divine plan.  I will never turn from this truth as the more I listen, trust, and allow things to be easy…..it is a beautiful life.

I have a wonderful son, who was a miracle from the start, an amazing husband and family.  I am grateful.  I have endless love circling me as I circle you.  Today, I shed a few tears and then took a deep breath connecting to my soul knowing that whatever is meant to be will be.  That just like my Uncle’s secret is one that I will never forget, I will continue to engrave the divine plan that is whispered one day at a time.

Much love to you all!

Holly P

Words

“Your friends are God’s way of apologizing for your relatives.”  – Dr. Wayne Dyer

I am currently reading the power of intention by Dr. Wayne, which was given to me by my friend Cindy and it is an amazing book!!   I believe she knew it would help this part of my journey which is getting back on my feet.

This book helps create/develop your inner imagination and offers tools for manifesting your reality.  It ultimately helps you see where your words play a large role in what makes up your reality.  It shares many ideas of how to bring peace to your life, while you are creating the journey you truly want.  One of my favorites is his guide to “Making your intention Your Reality” —

1.  Move away from hoping, wishing, praying, and begging for the right person to show up in your life.  –  Through this past year I have journeyed with God, listening and I believe what I want to see in my reality.  I have done it without fear and replaced it with trust. (I have my moments as I am always a student).

2. Conceptualize the person you want to be and detach from any false outcomes.  Many old habits that we learn when we are young or older may be hard to break, so continue to conceptualize the person you want to be as you can change.  Each breath offers an opportunity to change and the old habits will eventually fade away.  But there wasn’t a song “Old Habits die Hard by Dave Stewart” for nothing.  It takes work and dedication!  However, this work doesn’t mean letting go of who you really are, it means finding the true you and surrendering to the parts of you that are no longer serving you.

In addition, look to every person that has ever been in your life as they have been sent to teach you a lesson on your journey.  I wrote a list of those that are no longer in my life and after really looking at it…I could see all the blessings and lessons learned.  And you never know when a person will jump back in…will you open the door???

3.  Act upon the inner picture and take the path of least resistance.  Following your intuition and listening to God is such an important part of life.  It makes life so much easier, when we do this.  If something seems really difficult and you keep coming back to the same circle, then it is time to find a new route on the GPS.  Ways to practice connecting to this space is by just sitting in a room with complete silence.  Let your ego thoughts pass by almost as you are a watcher.  Then let yourself go deeper, this is the voice of intuition.  You will get to know it better and better as you develop a relationship, so you won’t confuse it for your ego.

4.   Practice patience.  There is no question that this is one of the most difficult actions to practice.  Patience and peace come together, but the question is really how do you practice patience.  I have thought about this quite a bit and realized that you have to literally practice.  There are opportunities every day to be patient with someone else’s choice of action.  Again all you have is your reaction, so patience for yourself and for the other will make things much more smooth.

5. Always remain in a state of gratitude.  This is challenging because we don’t even have extra time to breathe real full breaths.  Being honest with yourself, how often do you sit down and think about the things that you have to be grateful for in your life.  Writing them down is always a great idea, but you don’t even need to go that far.  What about the shower, turn the radio off in the car, shut your cell phone off for 1 hr.  There really are a lot more opportunities to meditate imagination and think about the intentions you want to bring to your journey.  We all have a lot to be grateful for in life.

This is a great list and I refer to it a lot, but it is a challenge, which I why I started this blog post with the quote by Dr. Dyer.  “Your friends are God’s way of apologizing for your relatives.”

I have been working hard on all of the above as I know in my heart the person that fills me up and warms my heart with love, but it is in the moment that it is such a challenge.  I am sure many would agree that this is a work in progress.

Just over the weekend my mom “disciplined”  🙂 me as she overheard a conversation I had with a relative.  This person had a request of me that I felt was shared in a rude way, so I matched it with a “I didn’t get the memo”.  Now did I need to say this….no.  But it was burning a whole right through my butt to my seat…really I think that my mom has a black mark on her cream leather seats.  What it did was “it chapped my ass.”  LOL  Ahhhh so as I tried to reason with her, pleading my case about the fact that I am not going to be a punching bag for anyone, I realized that I did the opposite of what I am really working on which is letting go.   I had no patience as my feelings were hurt and so my defensive posture took over, when I could have just let it go lovingly, knowing the whole situation.  Again I can only react and I can’t control the other side.  So the good news is that I recognized this, with a little help, after I blasted my mother with a return to teenage years, “I don’t need you to tell me how to have a conversation.”  LOL in the end it was funny, but it does seem that we are more honest and short with relatives bc we feel the security of the fact that they are family.  However, we should be this way with everyone honest with love.  I was honest, but short  so something I am working on as we speak.

On the way home I felt bad, which is definitely a sign you reacted against your truth.  I thought about how important my family is to me, but we are not all close and that is ok.   Then I started to think about how easy it is to be short with the people you love the most in life, like mom, dad, Tad.  The journey of life is not always easy and if it was there would never be any opportunity for growth and change.   So the easiest thing we can do is start with our words.    How we speak them, what words we speak, and how we react to words spoken to us.  Some say it is hard to “take the high road”, but that is just your ego telling you that you are better.  When you go deep inside you are making a choice not to react because it is the hight road.  You are making a choice to recognize there may be more to the whole story and maybe we are wrong.  In addition, miscommunication is often the culprit, but we just overlook that and go to the famous tit for tat!  Either way it is a fine line between not reacting and letting one walk all over you.  Have the courage to stand and be honest in a loving way or let it float by like a Tai Chi practitioner that never allows what he or she does not want in their energetic space.  However, it is important to remember this takes time, so when you begin to recognize the opportunities to make one choice or the other it feels like a victory.  For me over the weekend a failure, but getting back up on the horse is the only way to go.

After the weekend I did some additional work with this and took 3 examples of how you felt that urge to fire back at someone after they shared something with you.  Did you match them and try to top the insult or did you just let it go??  I learned a lot and feel blessed by the growth.

*** Tad, Mom, Dave, Cindy, Jeff, Shad, and Kelly   Thank you for supporting me during all the stages of this healing.  They have all been challenging in their own way, but this is definitely one of the most difficult.

Much love and light on our journeys.

Love,

Holly P

Slowing Down

“Earth Mother, you who are called by so many names. May all remember we are cells in your body and dance together.”   – Star Hawk

Last night we took Sawyer trick or treating at my parents condo complex.  We figured that it would be more bang for the buck as where we live the houses are much further apart and Sawyer may lose wind fast….or maybe not knowing Sawyer.  Anyway, I dressed up too and it was so much fun, I almost forgot how much fun.  I was a good witch and Sawyer was the Green Lantern and together we saved Webster lake from anyone having extra candy today. 🙂  PHEW!!

When I was putting on make-up, doing a real smokey eye and decorating my face it felt so mysterious and exciting. (How often does one get to do a “REAL” smokey eye)  Like I was me pretending to play the part of a fantasy witch in make-believe land,  Sawyer is there all the time so why not for a night I figured.  People were very surprised that I dressed up, but had many compliments for our duo and the show Sawyer put on as he yelled “Green Lantern to the rescue”.  I was his side-kick, the good witch to help with anyone coming from the side or behind.  It was so much fun to be a part of his world and the special night of Halloween as last year I lay in a hospital bed watching videos of Sawyer and Tad going house to house. (to be honest they didn’t do near as good as we did LOL)

At one point I stopped, and just watched Sawyer.  Through his mask I could see his intense eyes that told a story of fun and love.  He knows it’s just a costume, but had so much fun pretending to be a superhero.  Last night, he was my teacher, reminding me that we all need to have fun, not just when we are children.  We are all sooo busy to have “fun”.  Sometimes it seems like life is too busy to just laugh….when was the last time you belly laughed.  Our children do it regularly, we do it????  hmmmmm  Yes we have more responsibilities and those have to be met, however, there is always time for fun and I know this because I have many fun friends that have very busy lives.  IT CAN BE DONE!

After a night of laughs, we began making plans for the holidays and I felt the stress immediately.  It was like a business meeting that no one had the answers to get it right.  There are a few complicated aspects as late Nov. hosts Alexandra and my moms bdays, Tad’s father will be in town, and a few other twists and turns.  So my father, as soon as he saw the stress come over my face said, “I WILL TAKE CARE OF THIS”!  I wasn’t sure if it was because he didn’t want me to stress or if he was annoyed, maybe both.  However, I kinda laughed on the inside because he usually just goes with the plan that we all make.  But he started his list with Thanksgiving, covering bdays, than Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.  So for the most part minus a few kinks, we have the plan laid.

On my way home I drove alone, Tad took Sawyer in my car.  I sat in silence as I thought about the end of the night.  Sawyer showed me that fun is a must which I quickly forgot as soon as we started the business of the holidays.  Many adults don’t enjoy the holidays, or some aspects of them.  I usually hear from many that  “I have to make a turkey (which would be mind blowing…thank god for Tad), get presents, a tree,  etc as the list is endless,” but all these “to do’s” really can be a lot of fun, so we should all make the extra effort to turn it around when it begins to feel like an obligation.  I think there has been a magic spell put on adults, which makes the entire holiday season seem like a job.  A check list that needs to be done by a certain date, parties to attend, dinners to host, presents to wrap.   So as Sawyer was a superhero last night, so was Dave as he reminded us all that it can be simple and it is just about spending time with  family.

We have a lot to celebrate this year.  Last year Thanksgiving took place in a hospital room as I ate Sawyer’s left over turkey like I had never seen meat.  Sawyer laid in bed with me and cuddled, somehow seeming to ignore all the lines and beeping machines that were all around me.  Tad was filled with emotion seeing this because we all believed it was going to be a good outcome, but only God has that plan laid.

Today I am alive and I am going to live each day as the best day ever  or as I possibly can.  I am sure there will be some re-wiring of the brain here as the adult spell was cast and I too have treated the past several holiday seasons like a part time job.  Losing the real identity of the holidays, which is love and family.  A few years ago I ran around like a crazy person because I wanted Sawyer to have the best XMASS.  He enjoyed the wrapping paper, but he didn’t get the concept he was one!  COME ON HOLLY!!!!

There are amazing reminders and signs all around us to slow down and feel/enjoy the moment of the holiday.  So during any hustle and bustle just stop and breathe.  See what it feels like as the buzz continues to stay energetically moving by, but you stop just for a moment as a reminder to slow, watch, listen, and learn.

May we all enjoy the holidays season together.

Much love,

Holly P