Month: July 2012

The little pill box

Yesterday was my birthday and even though we spent almost the whole day at Dana Farber it was still a  great day.  Tad and I got to spend the whole day together alone knowing that Sawyer was well cared for by Papa.  We talked a lot about where we are going to take a vacation and all kinds of fun stuff.  I have to say they are great at DF, normally you would just be sent home.  I was dehydrated which seems like no big deal, but it actually can effect your kidney numbers quite a bit. So she just wanted to be on the safe making sure that was all. So I got a bag of blood and 2  bags of water then hit the road.

I guess through out this process I haven’t realized just how big of a deal a bone marrow transplant really is.  I am so grateful that I have had no issues up to this point, which this really isn’t an issue.  Just me continuing my life as a vampire.  I am going to continue to work with my spiritual body and know the truth.  Instantly, when Amy came in the room to tell me about the numbers I could feel the fear creeping up from my toes and I wanted to cry.  How silly…she didn’t even tell me anything.  When she showed us the numbers she was right it was not a big deal and she explained in detail how dehydration does this along with nausea, dizziness, which I had all of.  I took a deep breath and felt much better.

So I sat comfy in the chair, I saw Tad working, taking a conference call, and continuously checking on me.  My mom and dave really have supported us us in so many ways.  They haven’t missed a beat from the beginning.   It takes many channels of support to get through really anything.  So, I am so blessed to have such an amazing family and friends.  In truth, how I really got through the day with a smile on my face: after I tossesd the fear, I spent about about a half hour connecting to all the beautiful things and blessings I have in my life.  Just in a half  hour I couldn’t believe how many amazing things God has loved on me!  If your having a bad day take even one minute to think of a powerful success that you have worked for or have been given through a blessing.  You will be amazed how quickly it will turn your day around.  You don’t have to hear about other people’s struggles and say ‘wow am I lucky, you can do it right from your internal spirit.  Spend more time on the inside.

Thank you for all your birthday wishes on Facebook and please keep me in your prayers!

Love Holly


I apologize as my hands are really shaky so there are a lot of spelling errors in my postings.  I am getting a nice preview of my 80s, it rocks.  I just wanted to make one clarify when I spoke of everyone in my family getting a bad cold, in my post I wrote that I also got sick.  Fortunately, this was not the case I made it through 3 weeks of coughing sneezing and Sawyer had it the worst so how do you say no to a snot nose kid….well you trade-off for a hug and a 100 butterfly kisses later.

I am so glad that I can share my journey with you and I am grateful for all feedback, suggestions, and visits .


Much love and light,


Being Real

Sometimes you have to distance yourself from certain people, so you can clear your heart and listen to spirit’s guidance.  This is not because you don’t love them,its because you need to move forward with your journey in an appropriate and positive direction, possibly making the relationship much better.  We are always changing and being challenged, but all any relationship needs is love.  And this love is knowing when to just listen, love, or get advice, etc.  You know who those friends are to go to, but there may be a few relationships that really need evaluation.

We all need to listen to what is guiding us and accepting love is all a relationship needs (when I say relationship I mean the one with yourself as well.  I am in no way  suggesting you break-up (LOL) with anyone because you have had one  fight.  However, we often tend to feel guilty as if we are leaving or ending the relationship forever. We also get very comfortable, so moving outside the box seems like the monster in the closet.  We are learning that at certain times in life we need to move forward because the place we are living is no longer servicing us and has become mundane, boring, and confusing. (by living I just mean where we are on our journey).

This particular skill  has been such a struggle for me personally.  After being diagnosed, I knew I needed to focus on healing first, but it was such a shock and a process that I was not familiar.  I became extremely distracted with negative thoughts.  I felt so labeled and very judged by some.  Many didn’t know what to say or how to deal which was fine because I didn’t either.  Our society doesn’t exactly teach us how to deal with emotion. On the other side, most people supported me with such love it is and was amazing.  It was so amazing to know how many people want to help and be there for you.  Friends of friends sent me prayer gifts and support, People texted all the time…just shows what love is about and how we are all one.  although I am through the loveolution, I have about 6 more month of healing from the bone marrow transplant as of 3 weeks ago I was 100% grafted, meaning all Shads blood is now mine.  I am officially a vampire.

All be it that this was the most shocking event of my life, it will be changed forever.  Not just through better ways of living, but connecting through spirit, learning to fully surrender, letting my real soul and love shine through.  A choice that was tough in the beginning because I was confused.

This is the first time I realized that in any situation God guides you down the right path if you are there to listen with the proper group and sometimes that group is small so you do the work.  Sometime the group is large, but further away so you know you can reach out at any time.    Moving forward it was easier than expected and when I found out 2 weeks after diagnosis that my blood was clean” it was just”amazing).  Then to find out my brother was 100 percent match, another gift. ….onto the transplant.

The blood transplant was a definitely  tough.  although we has this cool ceremonial transplant which we created with the nurses to bless the blood etc.  After a month in the hospital coming home was the beginning of my dealing with fear.  They give you a list of food you can’t eat, what not to do, what to    watch out for,  so basically it was house  Even we couldn’t remember all the do’s and don’ts.  There were some positive things….I didn’t have to clean, I was taken very good care of in every way. But when I knew things were turning around was when everyone in my house got sick, however, I was the only one that did get sick

Don’t get me wrong I am still a ways from full healing.  I wake up some days and wonder if I am pregnant the nausea is so bad, I am pretty skinny, and have had to take lots of meds.  But I am starting to ween off  meds and feel much more clear.  From the beginning I felt so lost, scared, unsure.  Now I feel stronger, I believe God is sending me a direction and most of all I have gratitude for all the love that I received in my life.  In addition, the lessons that I have learned.  I say this every time, but you can’t even believe how my inner spirit has changed and the relationships in my life.  Thank you.

Even though I really can’t go too far, I would love to see whoever has the time and space for a visit….just gotta be healthy   🙂

I miss you all and I love your LOVE AND SUPPORT!

Many blessings


PS  if anyone is interested in trading body work or have a great referral in the oxford/dudley area please let me know.  508 789 7718

First Trip

So this past weekend our family took a trip up to Jamaica, VT.   Tad and Jeff were participating in the tough mudder which is the  craziest 10 mile race that has 25 obstacles within; Obstacles that I can’t even begin to explain.  However,  one for example is called electroshock therapy, where contestants run through a section of wires that are charged with 10000 volts of electricity.   The race took place on Mt. Snow and the first day I saw the hill in the 90 degree weather  I thought,” And a good luck to you.”  Friends of my parents offered up their condo, so we assumed they knew I have to be exposed to minimal dust, no must,bacteria, etc.  Having this condo is new to them so shutting it down for the winter was a new experience.

Tad and I drove through the mountains and down back roads, it was so beautiful and a few times thought I could be an all american picker.  After being stuck in the house for the past 4 months the fresh Vermont air and change of scene was so welcomed.

As we drove up the dirt road to the condo I started to get the feeling that we would be dealing with woodland creatures, but what I wasn’t ready for was the mice that lay dead on the first step and then the mouse poop everywhere.  I went into panick mode.  OMG “TAD” I can’t stay here, I can’t be exposed to this much dust and bacteria.  I wanted and did cry…my first trip and ……plus it was our anniversary.  After Tad calmed me down, he started cleaning like he was a Molly Maid.

Then Jeff arrived and began cleaning, while his girlfriend talked me off the ledge.  But what happened in a few short minutes was I realized how much fear I was allowing into my space, to ruin my weekend getaway.  So I got a pillow and a fleece blanket and cuddled up on the couch.  I was going to make this reality mine, not one that has handed to me.  After Tad and Jeff cleaned, it was pretty good and we all settled down.  Cindy who is a good cook made dinner, we all caught up and laughed all night.  It truly was yet another lesson testing me.

The next morning was the tough mudder, they ran for 6 hour straight until we cheered them on through the last obstacle.  It was pretty amazing and something I wish to do with my husband when I fully heal.

UPDATE::   I am in a lesson roller coaster.  I have had days that I have not felt so great, but then I quickly understand why?  I look over my fearful thoughts.  My blood work is great…all where it needs to be.  The more I learn to surrender the easier it is.  But as you can ask my mother and Tad when fear makes its way in, nights and days can be difficult.   Hillary: Thank you so much for your post.  It is amazing how you can feel the physical change in  as when I went into the condo, and how beautiful it is when you surrender it above.


I love and miss you all so much.  Although I am stuck in the house a lot we have plenty of room for visitors.  🙂     I LOVE YOU ALL FOR SUPPORTING ME>

Hillary – spiritual guardians

As I am not that technically inclined, I think you have to upgrade within wordpress so that everyone can blog with you.  So this is my 80s version of sharing an amazing post!

Thanks for sharing Hillary.  Love and miss you

 read an account once about a girl who was literally raised by wolves. She was an extremely keen hunter and she moved on her hands and feet. (After she was “rescued” it took years of therapy for her to learn to stand erect but she always preferred to walk on all fours.) Her rescuers observed how she would hunt at night for birds hiding on a wall covered in ivy. In nearly complete darkness, she could identify and capture a bird while the people watching her could barely see anything at all.

This reminds me of what you blogged about being able to identify fear in order to eliminate it. It takes practice to learn to recognize what is a bird and what is a leaf. However, once you know what you’re looking for, you get better and better at spotting those things quickly. Just like fear, it takes practice to “see” those fearful thoughts. And, you don’t need to be afraid of fear. It is simply a suggestion. You can take it or you can leave it. It cannot exist if it is not believed and will then just fade into its native nothingness.

You choose what you believe. Be relentless in your choice! Good and evil/fearful thoughts cannot coexist. You can extinguish fear just as mist evaporates in the sun. It leaves no residue and will not return while the sun is shining.