Just pretend

It has been a while since I posted and it comes from not really knowing where to start or what to say.   This has been an experience that still hasn’t made too much sense and although I have learned more then I ever thought possible, I am still trying to make sense of the past six months.  After coming home from the bone marrow transplant I felt like I was being pulled in a million directions.  I felt so defeated because I wasn’t sure how to move forward and I felt softly ready to tell the story.  You would think you would know exactly how you are going to react, but you just have no idea how emotional combined with the physical can make you feel.  Plus that old friend FEAR trying to creep back into the picture. In the beginning there is much wisdom as so much can come from a story like this and for me I plan to do so much with this experience once I can start teaching yoga again and get my feet back on the ground.  Not to mention that it is great that I am going through all these emotions while I write.  We touch each others lives so far off that we really have no idea how someone from Chicago can connect with someone in Mass.  It it is amazing and definitely life altering for so many people.  The blessing is that we keep learning, showing our gratitude to God, and whomever else we believe to bring into our belief.

So Today I am sitting here quietly thinking about life and how funny it is, how challenging it is, how scary we “Can” let it be and I thought what an adventure….truly.  Can you imagine if we just went to work everyday, came home ate dinner, fed kids, did homework???  I mean that would get really old after awhile.  Now I am not suggesting that having to get news that you have a serious illness or bad news from a family member is a better option, but this news, this information is that which makes us grow.  Some of us are ready to grow at a faster pace maybe who knows why person A gets this and person B gets that, but either way everyone is growing.  Those around them are supporting them and loving them through such a challenge…it spreads like a beautiful wildfire where you can see the internal unified glow.

Over the weekend as I sat down to write, but didn’t get very far after going for a walk and ride with my mom. (couldn’t pass up the mom/daughter time) Our family sat down to watch a movie, ” We bough a Zoo”.  It was not the best movie I have ever seen, although it was wrapped with innuendoes of not giving up and staying strong…mostly finding a way to persevere when one needed to go another direction.  However, there was one quote that melted my heart and stuck with me.  “All you need is 20 seconds of insane courage and something great will come of it.”  And as I thought about that the truth rang through every cell in my body to know that courage and love go hand and hand.  If we just love it is amazing and opens our hearts, but it is the courage to love ourselves that must exist before we can take one step further.

So Today is a new day and I am taking a new step and opening the door to courage.  To love myself fully and wholly.  To love myself as a wife,mother, daughter, friend, and teacher.  To forgive myself for my growing lessons, but appreciate them as such.  Today is my 20 seconds of insanity!!

 

Much Love and Light

 

Thank you for your patience as I settled back in from the Procedure.  Namaste.

2 comments

  1. Hey Holly! It’s always a nice surprise to open my inbox and find a new post from you. Let your 20 seconds be like that mustard seed and it will take over if you let it! Also, I’ve always found it helpful to completely put the dream aside. It doesn’t help me to try and figure it out. “What if” and “why” are questions that are sometimes limited to our material senses. Stay focused on those eternal, spiritual truths. They are unchanging and oblivious to physical reality. 🙂

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