The first few days at Dana Farber Spa and Resort were tough. I was met with memories from this past October and all of the emotional lessons that entangled me to have a stronger understanding of this journey. Soon after walking through the bustling rolly door to floor 4C I saw Meg, one of my favorite nurses, she gave me a big hug and we got right down to the schedule with no time to waste. I am coming to this transplant as an opportunity to intertwine all of the new changes and shifts that God has opened to my soul. THis is a rebirth which will open the doors for me to serve God and to truly live….to live life without fear bc I have set this intention to do so. I will always live with my heart fully open, listening to the call, and having great joy with friends and family. Lastly, the transplant is a reflection upon how I already feel (I am already healed) inside, now it will just shine outward. I would never have believed that I would ever say I am grateful that I got Leukemia, but I am grateful for the essesnce that it has shown me through my eyes, my heart, and soul. Please do not misunderstand there have been so many days of fear, tears, confusion, but these challenges have given me great insight to Love, to understand that all is love, love is home. I see who I really am on my internal reflection and scrolling back through time I can easily see when my internal reflection was not love, so life was a struggle. The Yogis call it suffering and can you believe the answer is right there inside of you….LOVE AND FORGIVE YOURSELF…leave fear, guilt, shame out to sea while you inhale the air of source.
So this leads to the big day today where Shad will share his beautiful cells with me. I believe we are all connected in a soul dimention, but now Shad and I have this special opportunity to do in through physical form. It is amazing. During all of this I have thought and worked through so many layers that I would have to write a book to explain it all…but the one thing that often comes up is prayer. Mode of Prayer is such a beautiful thing and we should each pray how we believe and feel is right for us. However, with that being said I do believe that there are so many elements to prayer that can go much further. I am sure we can all think back to a time where we were reciting the “Our Father” and there was not much emotion, more just words spoken as a duty to our faith. And in the same breathe we can remember a time under the same circumstance where we felt each word jump off our tongue to spread the love to the other parishioners while feeling an astonishing sense of oneness. Prayer is amazing, there is no write or wrong. However, I have discovered that prayer just like everything has more opportunity when you truly believe with strong emotion what you are praying for, each word ringing a strong vibration through the universe.
This is my personal story with prayer: I was raised Catholic and spent my younger years learning and studying the Bible at Sunday School. My mom has such strong faith and this she instilled so deeply into me that I will forever be grateful. Learning this expression of religion at a young age was a great foundation, but as I grew older I felt that I didn’t connect to it. We all have to find the religious path that guides us to be one with God and the journey to this enlightenment is part of the process. So I too began my journey with understanding faith and questioning things. It soon lead me to study Buddhism (which is a philosophy more then a formal religion), I immediately felt a deep understanding to things that never made sense. I understood the age old idea that you have to love yourself and their should be no guilt in doing so. In addition, loving others without judgement or expectation.
So through my experience of buddhism, yoga, and life I have learned that prayer is a calling inside you where you transcend fear, hate, and anger. You tap into an internal wisdom that doesn’t work under tit for tat, it just thrives under LOVE and FORGIVENESS. When we pray we heighten our awareness to one another and feeling the collective consciousness working in peace. Tonight as I sit here and pray, I feel one with God. I believe that I am already healed because I am made in his image therefore I am whole, there can be no other truth. The mind likes to tell me otherwise, but as I said before it is getting easier to identify that voice and softly send it away. When I pray for my family, friends, the earth I envision a world of people serving their highest good, a world that has been reconnected. I believe and see what I am praying for as if it has already happened. A world where we all embrace each mode of prayer and religious freedom because it brings us down the same place, just using different roads. We are all one, here to serve a higher calling.
I am so grateful for all the thoughts of prayer and love that have been sent my way. I love you all more then any word can ever convey. I look forward to seeing you all soon!
Much love and light!