Month: January 2012

Fearless Faith

“Feed your faith, and your fears will starve to death.”

It has been a crazy 2 weeks preparing for the bone marrow transplant and the journey that continuously proves to be a wild ride. On Friday afternoon I got a phone call from Dr. Wadleigh telling me that my brother has not yet been cleared for transplant because his white count is a little low.  For me, this means that the transplant has been pushed back yet another 6 weeks and I would need to go in this Monday for more treatment.   I felt my heart drop to my toes and the tears immediately rolled down my cheeks…..why?  Why is this happening and what does is mean??  I was ready to rock and roll, to begin this process, and have a beautiful rebirth; ready to embrace this amazing adventure, taking in my new spiritual shift, the beautiful lessons learned, and move forward.  With this news I began to doubt my choice, feel pretty bummed…the days following were low.

I called Tad on his way home from work to tell him the news, still feeling the tears welling inside and out.  I got off the phone pretty quickly to sit in thought as to what my next plan would be, when I got a text.  I ignored it at first, feeling a little sorry for myself, then got a feeling I should check it.  Tad sent me a message:  “Feed your faith, and your fears will starve to death.”   The words rang through me with such light, in that moment I knew everything was going to be ok.  Tad has been such an amazing partner during this experience and has always had the most divine words to lift me up.  I took a deep breath and called Dr. Wadleigh right back and at the same time paged Dr. Soiffer, the transplant doctor….I had my own conference call of sorts.  I took the drivers seat and looked forward to the road that God was paving for me.  You see, in that moment I realized that I had been waivering with my thoughts and preparation.  It was time to walk through to the other side, but I was still trying to go around.

Upon talking with Dr. Soiffer and Dr. Wadleigh, I arranged a new plan.  I asked if they would do one more blood work up on Shad Monday morning before I would have to be admitted.  If his white count has improved then we would move forward with the transplant for this Friday, Feb 3 as planned.  If not, then I would enter Dana Farber Monday afternoon for an enjoyable 5 night stay at this amazing spa and resort.  🙂  They both agreed.  Shad and his entire family had a cold about a week before he went in for testing, so I was not overly surprised by this news.  Under “normal” circumstances you would admire the bodies ability to heal, but if you are going to be a bone marrow donor then the white count needs to be high.  Shad has been amazing during this process as it has not gone without a significant amount of frustration during planning.   He has gone above his call and nurtured his body so that hopefully his counts have gone back up.  Shad is giving me such a gift and this is an amazing example of how blessed I am.

When Tad got home from work he shared some strong feelings.  While he was driving home he got really angry at God. “why does she have to go through this? Why can’t it go smooth?”  Then he got a direct answer:  It has gone smooth.  We have been so blessed right from the beginning of this journey starting with remission within 2 weeks of treatment.  And as Tad began to think back about all the love and support that has brightened our path, he realized how blessed we are.  He felt ashamed for having been angry, but it was an opportunity to be reminded of how smooth this process has really been and how loved we are by so many.  When he was sharing this with me, I too felt bad for being upset. When we reflected together, we realized that there has been nothing but blessings.    It is hard to know the why, but when you see the growth on so many levels you realize how grateful you are for the experience, no matter how crazy the experience may be.  Sometimes in the moments in is hard to see and embrace the beauty of the lesson.   As I previously posted, it is my power to create the vessel, while I flow down the river.

I have realized that I have always embraced the divinity of time and this should be no exception.   I embrace my fearless faith, unwavering support, and love that has been delivered in so many colors.  So tonight, as I write this, I have my head back in the game.  I trust and I listen.  I am ready to flow with this journey as I envision a rebirth.  Please pray for our family and for Shad as I would love the river to flow to transplant.  I will keep you all posted!



Trust and Divinity!

Last night I got a phone call at 5 pm from the transplant coordinator at Dana Farber.  Today was supposed to be my first day in getting ready for the transplant and then Friday I was being admitted to the hospital.  That all changed with one phone call as my brother had a cold last week and his white count is still not where it needs to be to start the process on his end.  I can not even begin to share the intricacies of this process, they do not leave any t uncrossed which is a comfort as well as a curse.  This news shook me to my core as I was READY.  It is like preparing for a race, you prepare mentally and physically, then you are ready to go.  I sat back in my chair, my face white as a ghost and I looked at my dad…”they are icing the kicker.”  LOL

I took a few deep breaths for the panic to set free and got myself grounded.  After I settled, I realized that just last week I wrote a post about trusting the flow of the river, releasing all resistance and trusting in divinity.  I was reminded in the order of patience during manifesting for the highest good of all those involved with this process.  So this now becomes an opportunity to put this into practice.  As I was definitely disappointed in the change of plans, I have to trust that this is part of Gods divine plan and that it will serve all of us in the most appropriate way for highest good.  Once I embraced this thought I felt a strong flow of peace enter my body, although there was a very small part  of my ego still trying to take space – this should be on my time.  I consider it a victory when you can tell the difference between Gods guidance and the mortal mind/ ego.  It simply gets easier each time and the ego voice becomes softer and softer, till eventually there is no distraction.  Your soul is filled with love and there is no opportunity to allow fear into your experience as it will just make the water murky, allowing emotions such as frustration, anger to fill the pool.  Now I am just taking this time to work on my vision board and get a few more things done till we get the new dates.  I have followed Gods lead, right down to the research that helped in this decision.  I will continue to follow his lead and enjoy this time.  I have no doubt that I will look back, as I have numerous times before, and say wow the timing really worked out for our best interest.

So last night as I was doing some reading as I was preparing for bed, and I came across an article about limiting beliefs.  It couldn’t have been more appropriate to support the journey of the night.  When we try to force or run the show entirely, we end up creating many boundaries which limits our beliefs instead of flourishing them with infinite possibilities.  Limiting beliefs may be learned or influenced from school,work, family, or a number of sources.  These limitations not only make you feel frustrated and confused, they often keep you stuck in a place where you can not manifest the experiences you really want.  In addition, holding on to the way you believe it should look.  There are two parts in manifesting: calling upon what experience you would like to bring into your life through emotion, and then sealing it with the intention of divine timing for the highest good for all involved.  Again, going back to flowing down the river (divinity) and manifesting (the boat/vessel).

The first step in moving ahead is recognizing what your limiting beliefs may be and how they are effecting your life.  Unfortunately, many limiting beliefs feel so normal that we no longer even notice them.  Clearing out limiting beliefs is just as easy as inviting a new thought into your reality.  It takes time, recognition, and patience.  Once we bring forward our awareness it sets us free and we feel lighter in our soul.  Here are a list of the most common limiting beliefs.  None of these may apply to you, but it just may give you an idea of how to look into your life to set yourself free of some road hazards you may have created and continue to create.

Limiting Beliefs: taken right from the article. ” 10 Limiting Beliefs to Let Go Of”

LB: I am too OLD.

New, empowering thought: I am right on time. I am ready now.

LB: It is better to give then receive.

New thought: It is just as good to give as it is to open your heart and receive.

LB: No Pain, No Gain

New thought: You can get everything you want easily and joyfully if it is in your best interest.

LB: Money is the root of all evil

New Thought: Money is neither good nor bad; it is just an energy of exchange.

LB: I am not capable/I can’t handle this

New Thought: I can do this. If I don’t have the knowledge, someone will enter my life to show me how.

LB: You have to work hard to make money, even if that means working at a job that you dislike

New Thought: Work can be joyful and easy. Money can come from many different sources in many ways.”

So you can see in the above examples, it can simply be the way we believe through utilizing old thoughts that may be blocking a new way of thinking.  Old thoughts can easily hold us prisoner to our ego, which loves to keep us wrapped in boundaries, instead of being free.  Take this time to reflect on your life.  How can we replace old thoughts with new beliefs that will give us new vitality.

As I await for the new transplant dates, I ask that you keep me in your prayers in preparation for this time so that it all unfolds the way it should.  I appreciate all the love and prayer chains you have connected me to and I send you much love and light. I will keep you posted on the new transplant dates as soon as I get them.

The article on Limiting beliefs was a great one and I encourage you to take a moment to read it as it may offer insight to guide you through fields of confusion.



Many BLessings,


Create a flow

“I see my life as an unfolding set of opportunities to awaken.”

It has been nice to have time over the past weeks to reflect silently on this journey since Oct 2; it has just been incredible.  It is interesting how life can change on an inhale and at the same time teach you more than you ever thought possible on the exhale.  Life will never be the same; I am grateful.

A few mornings ago I drove myself into Boston, which was so AWESOME!  I think we all forget how little things, like driving, give us independence on so many levels.  In addition, time to rock out to my favorite country tunes was a perfect start to a beautiful day.  When I got to Brigham and Women’s, I was waiting for the valet parking attendant to get my ticket while I overheard a conversation between two men sitting on the front wall having a cigarette break.  They both looked as though they had very intricate stories to tell.  One, a new native to what I think is one of the best cities in the world.  He was sharing his journey and fears of moving to a city where he didn’t know a soul, but on some level he felt home. The other man sharing a story of his recent recovery, going into details that brought tears to my eyes.  He shared his trials and tribulation, his bottom and how he knew this was a challenge he was going to overcome.  He caught that I was listening to his story and seemed excited to have an audience as he was exceptionally proud of his work so far.  However, his bottom was hard to hear.  Sleeping in park benches on the cold winter nights, trying to sell his only coat for a hit.  As I sat there listening with admiration I was amazed how much the three of us had in common.  We were all facing a challenge that demanded strength, understanding, and courage.  The common thread weaving together our stories was faith.

As I was leaving my car,  my smile spoke volumes while I made my way into the hospital to continue my journey.  Up to the second floor to get blood drawn and then waiting.  It is a nice time to read and journal, but for this day I just sat in thought, watching all the other stories that were sitting all around me.  It brought me back to my senior year in high school; a simple quote which seemed to make so much sense….  “Don’t go with the flow, create it.”.  When I wrote this in 1994 it seemed simple, I wanted to create my future.  It would be years later that I was introduced to the Movie the Secret and learned about manifesting.   I can’t  help but think that somewhere along the way I jumped in the Delorean and planted this for me to see during this time in my life.  But as I sat in thought I have come to realize that there is a big part of this quote missing that brings it back full circle, with no beginning and no end.

I began journaling about this quote and the missing piece that I have learned while being on this journey.  There is a divine flow to life without question.  Some believe we choose this before we come earthside, some believe it is God guiding us, but whatever your belief there is no doubt as we have all felt this flow with the ease of our breathe and the wisdom that has guided the next.  As I sat writing away these thoughts, I scribed a metaphor that I believe would best describe the words that I was trying to make sense on paper.   Divine source is this amazing, vast river with constant flow, we are the boat.   As the divine flow of the river changes in life it offers the opportunity to learn and overcome, evolving closer to love.  The river may sometime flow nice and smooth, sometimes fast and with constant command, but each time this flow changes we are presented with the challenge to create and manifest the vessel that we are traveling.  In addition, We can create the shoreline and the items we may need to make the journey more successful, but no matter we play a role in the creation.  Where is gets tricky is when we start kicking and screaming when the flow gets a little wild.  We start trying to grip the shoreline to stop the flow, instead of focusing on what we need to get through the challenge that stares us square in the eye.

When I sat quietly and looked at the many different scenarios I gave this metaphor it all began to make sense.  During every journey, at some point, we try to throw out an anchor or jump ship.  However, the river is going to keep flowing.  Most often the reason we are trying to escape this divine flow is fear, but once we overcome the mortal thoughts we begin to focus on the vessel and the depth of that vessel (the soul).  Then we shift and the sail catches wind to bring us back to life.  We embrace the challenge and see it for the blessing that it presents in our journey.  For me this blessing has brought much forgiveness and love to a level that I am not sure I can quite explain.  Maybe there are no words.  Trusting that the river will divinely flow and present the chance to understand that love has no boundaries, it is all.  It just takes one hug to wipe away a day of struggle.  The power this emotion embodies has given me the strength to trust the river to evolve in truth without judgment.   To spiritually clean out my closet and start fresh.  A rebirth with new senses to connect with Gods voice and dismiss the thoughts that are loaded with fear and judgment.  It all comes full circle and each time you take a trip around you peel back a layer of the veil which navigates you to freedom.

On my way home my mother called as she was nervous about me driving alone to Boston.  She is so cute because throughout this experience she has never been worried about anything except for me driving alone to Boston.  She has been such a rock especially when I have wanted to throw out the anchor.  So as I pulled back into Dudley I realized that if I could go back in the Delorean I would change my senior quote to:

“Embrace the Divine flow, while you create each breath towards awakening.”


Thank you all for your continued love and support as I prepare for the last leg of this journey!


Love and light!