I have been supported and loved by so many. It has been one of the biggest blessings for which I am so grateful. The constant emails of love, text messages, cards, gifts of all kinds to show and remind me of the greatest gift.. LOVE…I have been so humbled. I have learned so much. It is amazing when you can say you have learned and moved forward more in 2 months then in 35 years. It has been a blessing, but with no disguise it has been filled with many challenging days, many tears that seem to each have a message, and much struggle as my whole life has been turned upside down.
A few days ago I received an IPOD shuffle from 3 amazing yogis that I shared many classes with as a teacher and a student. As a teacher, I am all over the place with music and playlists for class, but the one thing that is a constant is me sneaking in a little country. I love country music and I am not even sure why. Without a doubt I love the uniqueness of Florence and the Machine, the soul of Michael Franti, Bon Iver, Mumford and Sons, but Country just sings to my soul. The three of us would always joke about a country music yoga class and that it may only be the 3 of us that attend. So when I got the shuffle that was filled with all kinds of country music, I fell to tears…the honor that they took the time to fill it and the fact they picked sooo many songs that I love was so amazing. I looked down at the blessing bracelet I received from another yoga teacher and just felt the love. LOVE IS SO WILD. LOVE IS ALL.
I spent many hours listening to the shuffle the next day and noticed there was 1 song that I just kept skipping over every time. It was like I didn’t want to hear the words and to be honest I have never liked this song. The song: A Little Bit Stronger by Sara Evans.
“Woke up late today and still feel the sting of the pain, but I brushed my teeth anyways and got dressed through the mess and put a smile of on my face. I got a little bit stronger….even on my weakest days I get a little bit stronger.”
Music has the ability to take us deeper into our soul through the rhythmic vibration and the intensity of how the words resinate. For the author he/she is talking about the heartbreak of an ending relationship, for me it reminds me of a period where I willingly gave much of my power to the relationships in my life…changing my truths and my beliefs to fit into the relationship, instead of exploring who I really was/am so that a relationship could just melt into me. I bought into the societal ideal that we need another half to be complete, creating such memories of weakness and reaction. Thankfully, I did evolve and grew to adventure with my soul and along that path of meeting me, I met Tad….another whole. We are different and the same, but 2 wholes that love and support each other on a very different path in life. However, looking back I never quite forgave myself for some of the destruction that came from ignoring my truths in many of the relationships in my life (family, friends etc). Music in its most powerful form was trying to point and lead the way, but I just wanted to turn my head. Sometimes it seems like the better choice to just look the other way, unfortunately, the “travel bag” goes with you everywhere you go until you unpack it.
The next day I sat writing letting the words spill all over the paper faster then I could get them down. I could feel the emotions whirling like a level 5 tornado, sweeping from my toes all the way to my heart. The flooding of emotions came forward, as I knew it was time to forgive myself for not knowing, not being strong enough, not believing, and embrace the discovery of what those lessons have taught me today. I took time, as I thought of each relationship that I wanted to push down so deep that it didn’t have light and looked at all the blessings that particular relationship brought to my life. I forgave myself for my part, the immature words of hurt, any hurtful actions, and I set myself free. I took the beautiful lessons of growth, but freed myself with forgiveness so I could replace it with love. Forgiveness doesn’t need a partner.
After filling many pages, I felt like I floated to present day where I know that we can grow and get stronger from our weakest days. It would be beautiful to believe that everyday is filled with strength and power which adore many lessons too, but the reality is that when we are weak, we are raw. We see in ourselves the truth and have the opportunity to forgive and love both of which sets us free to be stronger. Making space for more love is what I am all about these days. There is no doubt my ego keeps trying to take my eye off the prize, but each day I embrace the lesson. I surrender to God so that divinely I will be free. I am in what some may call a spiritual bootcamp and there is no doubt some days are filled with weakness. Within those days I see through it and find strength.
May we all embrace our weakness instead of turning our head. May we see the lesson that hides in a tear so we take one step closer to strength and love.
Peace and Blessings,