“Who would stand before a blackboard, and pray the principle of mathematics to solve the problem? The rule is already established, and it is our task to work out the solution.”
Last night I stepped out of Brigham and Women’s Hospital to take my first real breath of fresh air. Even with a mask on and the smell of the city, it was a very very sweet breath. Tad looked at me when we loaded into the car and said “are you ready to go home?” Words that never sounded so good. We set off to head back to Dudley, driving through the beautiful city of Boston. People rushing to get on and off the T, I wondered as I looked at each person what they were rushing too….home from work to see their family, a date, a night with friends. It is amazing to wonder what is happening in someone else’s life after you reflect upon your own sometimes. We all have something exciting and for me it was heading home to see my family and sleep in “home”.
On the way home Tad and I caught up on all kinds of things and just enjoyed being together. As we got closer to home I couldn’t help but let scary thoughts try to creep into my head. The last 4 days in the hospital were mentally tough days and were a challenge on the ability to recognize doubts and fear; so again, last night it was again a challenge to keep these doubts and fears at bay. A tool that I have been using regularly these past few days was to surrender the thought to God. Not even process it, not try to figure it out…just completely let it go to God. It is a great tool that works almost always and last night was no different, but what was different was that in return I got a clear thought back almost immediately. This is already decided that I am well. I just let the thought flow through me because it felt so great.
Walking through the door to the most precious face and clapping hands…”mommy is home!!!!” was one of the best moments in my life. Sawyer is just such a love and made my homecoming the best. Also, my parents have made such space for our family and have done so much to make this an easy time that I felt such ease as if I was walking into “my home”. Seeing them all together in the doorway was amazing. After just a minute through the door, Sawyer proceeded to run around the house and show me all the things I missed in about 10 seconds as time has no concept especially to a little. (including bedtime) But last night was special, so we continued to enjoy the moment.
This morning Tad let me sleep in and get adjusted. I feel great, but I am moving a bit slower which is probable for the best. I know this will make a friend of mine that continues to tell me I move way to fast all the time and I need to sllllooooowwww down, very happy. I spent some time reading and I came across a paragraph that really made such sense. “Who would stand before a blackboard, and pray the principle of mathematics to solve the problem? The rule is already established, and it is our task to work out the solution.” It hit me like bricks…the problem is already solved, “I am well” so it is up to me to show the solution. This just explained and made sense to about 35 years. Knowing that the problem is already solved gave me such comfort. I can make this really hard or I can just sit with the idea that the problem is already solved and feel gratitude that the solution is there whether I believe I know it or not. I am the image and likeness of God and I ask that you all hold me in that light as I hold you.
Many blessings in light,