Expectations of walls

Yesterday was a great day!!  I got a visit from two of the greatest men in my life….Sawyer and Tad.  Sawyer had not been up to the “hospital”,  yet so I had much concern about the physical suggestion of illness.  How would he see his mommy and her new environment?  With a little boy that has so much energy, how would he feel about the fact that his mom could only play in a very small room?  These were all questions that were rolling through my head as, Courtney (day nurse) helped me complete my head shave.

Let me backtrack a moment.   When I really started to notice my hair falling out I figured, whatever it is just hair.  Well, it was just more then hair and it had some profound effects that I didn’t quite think of until I got past the “it is just hair and it will grow back”.  Once I noticed it coming out far too fast, I thought it would be fun to do the traditional “Joan of Arc” haircut.  So I took to my hair with a pair of scissors and you would have thought I was a top trained hair stylist.  (or probably I just thought I was a top trained stylist…I am sure there would have been a lot of painful looks in the audience..LOL).   It was soo freeing just to use my hair as a canvas and get to just create something because I had no fear of the outcome.   What if it didn’t fit my long face? What if it didn’t look good?  Well the shave was coming next, so this was just a middle step for fun.  And fun it was, as I continued to angle and shape each cut to be free from the next.  There was no direction just pure fun and adventure…when I was done I have to say it was cute.  I could pull off the ultimate short hairdo.  So what had ever stopped me before from having such a super super short fun hair cut?  Answer: Expectation of Walls.  Women have to get haircuts that will make them look better.  Being real of course there are styles that look better on some then others, but really how often do we miss the mark bc of the “walls we believe we are suppose to live”.  You may ask how can a hair cut really impact such a serious ideal.  It isn’t so much about the haircut it is more the metaphor that the haircut represents.

The wall: We begin to create and cultivate these walls the early moments we are born.  All the people in our life write on these walls, imprinting and  leaving their mark on best practices of living.  I must say that these imprints are mostly coming from love and best intention so should be embraced as such, as this is not the rebellious act of jumping the wall to  escape.  This is the realization that, in our adulthood, we need to begin construction to our walls so that at any time in life we can maneuver into new territory that will gel and support new beautiful experiences without holding us back.   All this from a hair cut!  LOL Onto the cut….

Just a short day later, the head shave.  I didn’t think it would be that big a deal.  I had already cut my long hair off with no attachment whatsoever, I did the Joan cut, and then this.  But the emotions that streamed from my heart, as I watched my hair fall to the floor, piece by piece was beyond my anticipation.  It was almost like I was silently crying for each piece as this was a rebirth in so many directions.  The first look in the mirror was hard as I “thought” it classified me as “being sick”.   It was the first time that I felt I could not hide behind my current journey, every last insecurity open to air.  However,  the struggle is that I am Well and I want people to hold that image of highest divinity for me as I need to do for myself.  But I too have been filled with empathy and sympathy when you see people externally showing a challenge.  This is so subconscious and deeply ingrained within us that it really takes conscious effort to change.  Sympathy and empathy certainly should be something we feel bc it connects us with our human oneness of caring, but then it must shift to empowerment.  This persons life will never be the same and it is a great blessing that will shift the shape of their wall.   We have all had internal struggles, depending on what they are the outside world  may or may not ever  know.  Think of what an impact this struggle made on your life and then imagine if you shared it fully.  Maybe it would be scary or freeing, but nonetheless empowering bc of the support and love the would help you in your moments of weak thoughts.   This was just confirmed for me as the day continued.

Sawyer and Tad got here around 2.  The light in his eyes when he saw his mommy was compared to that first glance shared at birth.  The love is just bound, so deep that it has it own language.  However, what happened next was the unexpected… I took off my little beenie hat to show Sawyer my new hair cut….he thought it was the funniest thing he has ever seen.  He was laughing and rubbing it, just thought it was awesome.  All the worries, concerns, all were for not because in that moment I learned a lesson that I hope I learn for the rest of my life, everyday:  Sawyer only saw his mommy’s heart.  He didn’t see a haircut, or cool mommy clothes (or bad ones LOL).  He didn’t see the things we plan or teach him to better his life.  He just saw the love in my heart that grows everyday for him, the familiar love that he kisses and hugs each night.  Through the eyes of a two year old, life is love which is the emotion that molds then during their young life.  As each child begins to grow there are more people participating in the shaping of the wall and impacting it in so many ways.  Don’t get me wrong I subscribe to the village, but the village all needs to have the same foundation: LOVE.

As we grow into our adult hood our walls get bigger, stronger, much more is written, often times too much more.  The dry erase marker doesn’t work as well, and there are even some nails that have left marks.  However, just the awarness that we bounce back and forth between these walls can be the jolt we need to make the choice to reconstruct and recreate, allowing a new sense of freedom and simple possibility.  Holding dear to us the experiences that have shaped us, but allowing for new molding as we can create any reality we want.  Letting go of the writings that are no longer serving us and making peace with allowing in new experiences.

So what a day it was to visit with Tad and Sawyer and of course Cindy, who in such a short time I feel such a connection.  The day was a big milestone in this adventure.  Today I am getting fitted for a wig which will be so much fun…..let me tell you I think pink is going to suit my personality just great!  The doctors are so pleased with all the progress that I have made and things are just going amazing.  They are anticipating that I will either go home this weekend or shortly after the weekend, so that is such welcomed news.  I have decided jail is not for me!  🙂

Thank you all for your love and support.  I know that as life moves forward the shock of this news gets softer which it should, but the love and support in my life just get stronger which is so appreciated.  I also want to thank Tad, Papa Dave, Gaaama, and Erin for making this hospital stay as easy for me as possible.  Tad you are such an amazing father so the fact that I do not have to worry in absence just offers more energy to be focused on the adventure.  I love you all!!